'Meet Bill,’then say goodbye

By BRANDON SULLIVAN, Features Writer

Published: May 28, 2008

The tagline for the movie "Meet Bill" reads, "A comedy about someone you know." Supposedly, it's making some kind of statement about how Bill is an "everyman" and how we all know someone who is as much of a loser as he is. It's funny, because nobody I know leads such a boring, derivative, and pointless life.

Bill (Aaron Eckhart) has a high-powered banking job and lives life in the shadow of his more successful brother and his overbearing father-in-law, without whom he wouldn't have a job at the bank at all. His wife (Elizabeth Banks) is an arrogant, annoying woman who may be cheating on him with a local news anchor. He has a weight/cholesterol problem, and he must deal with an unruly kid whom he begins mentoring.

We get it. His life sucks. But the movie spends the first half-hour telling viewers how much his life sucks.

Surprise, surprise, he must learn how to respect himself and get back on his own two feet, and who better to help him than a wily, self-assured, rebellious teenager? The kid at first seems like a dropout case waiting to happen, but Bill is about to find out that there's more to him than meets the eye.

If that sounds familiar, that's because it is. "Bill" would like you to believe that it's more than that, but don't be fooled by its aspirations. This is as useless and clunky a romantic comedy as you've ever seen.

The acting, for the most part, is not to blame. Eckhart is effortlessly charming and easygoing, and because the script doesn't give any real reason to root for him, his persona is what pulls the audience through.

Banks, as his wife, turns in an entertaining and often hilarious performance.

Young actor Logan Lerman, who plays the unnamed high school kid that Bill mentors, is the most surprising. Though he doesn't turn his one-note character into anything substantial, he at least makes the movie more watchable.

The usually reliable Timothy Olyphant, after his disappointing role in last year's "Hitman," turns in yet another dud as the news anchor, Chip Johnson. Yes, the script actually has the gall to name one of its characters "Chip."

Jessica Alba is, not surprisingly, the absolute worst of the bunch. Playing a high-school student working at a lingerie store (yes, this movie expects viewers to believe Jessica Alba is a high-schooler), she's just as vapid as ever and can't seem to decide who her character is exactly.

The most entertaining members of the cast are Saturday Night Live's Kristen Wiig and Jason Sudeikis, who play the owners of a donut franchise that Bill is thinking of investing in. They have fun with their roles and nail the required awkwardness perfectly.

The script is nearly as bad as Alba. The first half-hour spends so much time stacking the odds against Bill that there's no suspense involved in finding out what happens; there's no point in stacking the odds this high if the filmmakers are not going to overturn them.

So after shooting itself in the foot from the get-go, the movie limps the rest of the way, trying repeatedly to make the audience care about these characters and repeatedly falling flat on its face. Because the script and directing treat the characters like nothing more than parts of a puzzle that can be moved anywhere for the sake of the story, viewers won't end up looking at them any differently. It makes for one boring movie.

And what about the kid's uncertain age? During the course of the movie, Bill and the kid get high, drink a little bit, and spend the night with two gorgeous women. What kind of mentoring relationship is this?

It's only May, but "Meet Bill" may end up being the biggest snooze-fest of the year. One wonders why this movie was even made, as there's almost literally nothing to distinguish it from other movies of its kind. It's dull, dreary, completely meaningless, and a chore to work through, and the excellent cast (minus Jessica Alba) deserves far, far better. Don't waste your time meeting Bill.

Plot: D

Acting: B-

Comedy: C+

Overall: C-

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